h, Labor Day weekend is upon us and it truly is my favorite boating holiday. It’s just a good excuse to get out on the boat when it’s almost guaranteed you’ll have nice weather one last time. The only downside to the September holiday is unfortunately it also means for those on the Great Lakes our season is coming to end. True, we could get lucky this fall and stretch it another month or so, but most boats end up on the hard or heading south at some point this month.

If I were put in charge I’d make some tweaks, starting with Labor Day actually being a paid four-day holiday. Sound good? While I’m at it, I have some other rules or changes I’d like to suggest:

• Overweight men shall no longer be able to go shirtless around the marina. C’mon, you have the physique of a LoveSac. Put some clothes on.
• Weekend warriors will no longer have the right to block a loading dock for a long period of time while they scrounge to locate a can of starting fluid. And after the 11th attempt to load the boat on the trailer, the owner must step aside at the ramp and ask for assistance.
• When people are out fishing, it is now required that you must keep the noise down. Your dog may be cute or you’re really proud of your overpowered redneck engine, but both will scare a good catch.
• Dealers can no longer offer competitive low priced boats that have steering wheels and seats listed as added features to be sold separately. The “as-is” price is now required to include a long list of standard features. Along the same lines, manufacturers no longer have to listen to boat show patrons who feel a top-of-the-line luxury boat needs to be offered at an entry-level price.
• Permanently docked boat owners shall be subject to surprise interrogations, in which they’ll be required to prove they can still operate their boat if it hasn’t moved since the guy at the marina put it back in the water last spring. If they can’t operate it, they must take their stagnant boat and leave, to be replaced by a boater who can appreciate actually getting out on the water.
• Following Darwin’s principles of survival of the fittest, families who own a boat manufacturing business who haven’t built a quality product in 25 years shall not be allowed to pass the business down to their heirs.
• In all marina drive-bys, boaters shall enjoy the right to a quick peek at those on the dock without the judgment of others including – but not limited to – spouses, friends and mothers-in-law. And no one can be asked to avoid sandbars or certain coves during prime party events.
• Starting this Labor Day weekend, all boaters have the right to exclude certain dock neighbors from all parties because of excessive drinking and eating. No guilt can be distributed by a third cousin and his family when you return from an entire day on the lake and find those distant relatives on your dock still waiting for a ride.
• No stranded boater that has run out of fuel can be passed by for any reason other than the marina bar and grill is about to close and you’re running low on liquid refreshment.
• Manufacturers can no longer design a helm seat that is narrower than Kevin James’ butt or create a boat that lacks adequate legroom for drivers who are taller than Danny DeVito.